My teacher, my muse, my television

Over the course of my life I have watched my fair share of television.  I've also watched your share of television and Mexico's share of television.  Before God imparted the magic of digital video recorders (DVR's) upon this earth, I was forced to watch the soul-sucking, dementia-inducing demon spawn of marketing majors that filled the gaps between the revelation of Hannibal's plan and the montage of his plan being prepared and executed, or go do something else for 30 to 240 seconds and risk missing BA's mean-face response to one of Murdoch's humorous movements during the montage. 

Hannibal does love it when a plan comes together.

In the past decade, these "commercials", as they are so thinly veiled, have been relegated to times when I forget to fast forward, when the remote is out of my control, or when the show in question is one which I cannot wait to see.  However, even with so few commercials being able to rape my logic and reasoning centers and with so little eye bleach to wash away that which has just attacked my optics, a startling amount of information has been deemed worthy interesting unforgettable.  I would like to share some of this information with you.

• Very loud things happen on weekends.  Sunday, Sunday! SUNDAY!! to be precise.
• Women who are pregnant, may become pregnant or thinking about becoming pregnant are at amazing risk for just about everything.  It seems that all women should remain encased in lucite, or at least some form of protective bubble or full body condom/armor combination until they achieve menopause.
• It seems that I have every ailment known to modern medicine and that my doctor is unaware of which medication will best repair my failing coil. I am, however, hoping that I am not in the low occurance of side effects.  Anal leakage and death seem like issues that I'd rather not face, but if it alleviates my occasional sneezing, maybe I should risk it.
• No human is complete without a 2 year contract.
• As it turns out, for an extra $5/month, you can extend that contract to your pet.
• There are an amazing amount of hot, slutty women who sit at home waiting for me to call them on a party line
• Note: when/how the hell did party lines come back to the popular conciousness.  I was pretty certain that a group of very intelligent people worked on striking that abomination from existence.
• A four hour erection is now a medical malady.  This used to be called adolescence in high school, the beginning to a good date in college, the reason she said 'yes' before marriage, the reason she's laughing after marriage and a God-send later in life. Pondering the visit to the doctor:
• "Doc, I've had an erection for five hours now"
• "And why the hell are you here"
• "She was done four hours ago and my arms are tired"
• "How old are you? Nevermind, you're using the pill, you're too old to use the erection anyway. I'll be right back.  We'll take the wind out of Spike's sails"
• "Good! This thing is a pain in the ass"
• Doctor and patient giving each other the eyebrow-raised "really?" look
• "Don't worry, I'm just going to shove a needle into your scrotum and...  Wait, where are you going?"
• "Don't worry, doc, I'll figure it out myself"
• There are all too many people with recurring genital issues of which I need NO information
• Something about scantily clad women makes people want to buy hamburgers
• Sidenote: Paris Hilton has ensured that I will no longer buy anything from Carl's Junior
• Incompetance is more easily remediated through advertising than through training and integrity.
• Most people are idiots.
• Getting injured, anywhere, by anything, whether or not you are at fault, will make you rich.

While there is more than enough to keep this going for days, my poor, poor brain has degraded so dramatically through the regurgitation of this ludicrous bullshit that I must rest it and begin again at another time.

Maybe I'll watch some TV.